Comments on: My mother: there’s bad news and there’s good news http://neoneocon.com/2007/02/03/my-mother-theres-bad-news-and-theres/ Sat, 11 Oct 2008 21:36:58 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.1 By: Jungle Mom http://neoneocon.com/2007/02/03/my-mother-theres-bad-news-and-theres/#comment-21922 Jungle Mom Sun, 04 Feb 2007 01:23:18 +0000 http://neoneocon.com/2007/02/03/my-mother-theres-bad-news-and-theres/#comment-21922 so true, be it ever so humble there is no place like home. so true, be it ever so humble there is no place like home.

]]> By: Anonymess http://neoneocon.com/2007/02/03/my-mother-theres-bad-news-and-theres/#comment-21923 Anonymess Sun, 04 Feb 2007 01:42:20 +0000 http://neoneocon.com/2007/02/03/my-mother-theres-bad-news-and-theres/#comment-21923 Your mother sounds like a lovely person, but someone who can at times be a handful. Yes, there is no place like home; it makes up for a lot of deficiencies in other realms. I have one idea regarding the food complaint--by prior arrangement with the assisted-living residence, might not your mother be allowed to opt out of some of her regular meals there and have an occasional meal (take-out, say 3 or 4 times a week, delivered according to either an established schedule or by phone call) from local area restaurants? Her assisted-living food service charges would be lowered accordingly on a monthly basis. This arrangement would provide your mother with an occasional change of pace and food that presumably meets her standards. It might also be easier for her to stomach the institutional slop knowing that a decent, tasty meal will be coming soon. I presume that your mother would eat in her room during those meals for which she opts out, which if she "hates" the other residents would also provide a welcome respite for her. Your mother sounds like a lovely person, but someone who can at times be a handful. Yes, there is no place like home; it makes up for a lot of deficiencies in other realms.

I have one idea regarding the food complaint–by prior arrangement with the assisted-living residence, might not your mother be allowed to opt out of some of her regular meals there and have an occasional meal (take-out, say 3 or 4 times a week, delivered according to either an established schedule or by phone call) from local area restaurants? Her assisted-living food service charges would be lowered accordingly on a monthly basis. This arrangement would provide your mother with an occasional change of pace and food that presumably meets her standards. It might also be easier for her to stomach the institutional slop knowing that a decent, tasty meal will be coming soon.

I presume that your mother would eat in her room during those meals for which she opts out, which if she “hates” the other residents would also provide a welcome respite for her.

]]> By: Anonymous http://neoneocon.com/2007/02/03/my-mother-theres-bad-news-and-theres/#comment-21924 Anonymous Sun, 04 Feb 2007 04:32:40 +0000 http://neoneocon.com/2007/02/03/my-mother-theres-bad-news-and-theres/#comment-21924 I've tried to find 'home' for 23 years..it no longer exists. But that doesn't keep me from wishful thinking. At some point, I realized I've just have to make the best of what I've got. I'm glad your mother is happier now. I’ve tried to find ‘home’ for 23 years..it no longer exists. But that doesn’t keep me from wishful thinking.

At some point, I realized I’ve just have to make the best of what I’ve got.

I’m glad your mother is happier now.

]]> By: JS http://neoneocon.com/2007/02/03/my-mother-theres-bad-news-and-theres/#comment-21921 JS Mon, 05 Feb 2007 10:58:49 +0000 http://neoneocon.com/2007/02/03/my-mother-theres-bad-news-and-theres/#comment-21921 I have seen the contradiction first hand myself, and can understand that she both hates it and is happy at the same time. My father moved in with me a few years ago and acts like he wishes he could be any where else on the planet. He is happy because he was in a nursing home and most of the people in the nursing home were of “diminished capacity”, while he was out back smoking cigarettes with the nursing staff. Now he has his own space, he get the chance to go on cruises when ever he wants, and does not worry about a house or bills. He has gotten healthier since he moved in with me and for some reason has grown to like cats. My teenage daughter finds the situation confusing. The best to you and your mother. I have seen the contradiction first hand myself, and can understand that she both hates it and is happy at the same time. My father moved in with me a few years ago and acts like he wishes he could be any where else on the planet. He is happy because he was in a nursing home and most of the people in the nursing home were of “diminished capacity”, while he was out back smoking cigarettes with the nursing staff. Now he has his own space, he get the chance to go on cruises when ever he wants, and does not worry about a house or bills. He has gotten healthier since he moved in with me and for some reason has grown to like cats. My teenage daughter finds the situation confusing.

The best to you and your mother.

]]> By: mary http://neoneocon.com/2007/02/03/my-mother-theres-bad-news-and-theres/#comment-21925 mary Mon, 05 Feb 2007 22:23:07 +0000 http://neoneocon.com/2007/02/03/my-mother-theres-bad-news-and-theres/#comment-21925 For most people, happiness is determined by how much control they feel they have over events in their lives. When we're young, we may be poorly paid, reckless and kind of incompetent, but we do feel like we have the power to change and improve our lives. When you're very old, that feeling of having control over your life is harder to get. I'd guess that that's why, even though they're comfortable, retired, older people have a harder time feeling happy. For most people, happiness is determined by how much control they feel they have over events in their lives. When we’re young, we may be poorly paid, reckless and kind of incompetent, but we do feel like we have the power to change and improve our lives.

When you’re very old, that feeling of having control over your life is harder to get. I’d guess that that’s why, even though they’re comfortable, retired, older people have a harder time feeling happy.

]]> By: Daniel in Brookline http://neoneocon.com/2007/02/03/my-mother-theres-bad-news-and-theres/#comment-21926 Daniel in Brookline Mon, 05 Feb 2007 22:57:37 +0000 http://neoneocon.com/2007/02/03/my-mother-theres-bad-news-and-theres/#comment-21926 It does seem true that, for elderly people in assisted living, a lot of what they seem to want (or say they want) sounds contradictory to the rest of us. Frankly, I see it as complaining about the symptoms (I hate the food, I hate the people, etc.), instead of complaining about the causes -- because she knows that the causes that <i>really</i> bother her can't be fixed. What she really wants, in my opinion, is to be well again, to be in control again, to be able to take command herself of the little things that annoy her. She can't do that, so she kvetches about those little things instead. At least, that's my take on things. I am not a psychologist, and my opinion is worth exactly what you just paid for it. For the record, though, my family and I used to take out our family matriarch regularly -- going for lunch outings was a fun thing for her, until she became too frail to deal with it. If your family is doing that, Neo, I think she'll cope fine, because it'll solve both problems at once. My best wishes to you and your family. I hope your mom continues to do well for a good, long time to come. respectfully, It does seem true that, for elderly people in assisted living, a lot of what they seem to want (or say they want) sounds contradictory to the rest of us.

Frankly, I see it as complaining about the symptoms (I hate the food, I hate the people, etc.), instead of complaining about the causes — because she knows that the causes that really bother her can’t be fixed. What she really wants, in my opinion, is to be well again, to be in control again, to be able to take command herself of the little things that annoy her. She can’t do that, so she kvetches about those little things instead.

At least, that’s my take on things. I am not a psychologist, and my opinion is worth exactly what you just paid for it.

For the record, though, my family and I used to take out our family matriarch regularly — going for lunch outings was a fun thing for her, until she became too frail to deal with it. If your family is doing that, Neo, I think she’ll cope fine, because it’ll solve both problems at once.

My best wishes to you and your family. I hope your mom continues to do well for a good, long time to come.

respectfully,

]]> By: margo http://neoneocon.com/2007/02/03/my-mother-theres-bad-news-and-theres/#comment-21927 margo Sun, 11 Feb 2007 10:16:53 +0000 http://neoneocon.com/2007/02/03/my-mother-theres-bad-news-and-theres/#comment-21927 I really enjoyed this posting. Thank you for sharing this. I really enjoyed this posting. Thank you for sharing this.

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