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My mother takes a walk — 25 Comments

  1. It may also be that she decided that she wanted it for herself. When someone badgers you for something it’s hard to decide whether you want it for yourself or not–whether you really want it. While this is more commonly seen among adolescents, I suspect it affects married people as well. Making that decision is one’s own little bit of freedom, and one reserves it for one’s self. Call it rebellion, call it being true to yourself, call it demanding to exercise the last little bit of freedom left to you.

  2. Wonderful!

    And I think njcommuter may have something — certainly I noticed much the same with my mother and grandmother. When you’re completely helpless and dependent, you cling to any vestige of control and autonomy. I’m very glad to hear your mother chose the more genuine way to self-reliance.

  3. I know it’s crazy, but your story made me want to cry. Goofy, huh? I’m so glad your Mom got up and did it. That’s awesome.

  4. I wonder if njcommuter is right. As she has always been the independent sort – it could have been everyone (meaning family) “telling her what to do” that made her dig in her toes and say no – it was one thing she could control. I could see thoughts like “well I conceded and moved to this place and that’s all I’m giving them!”

    In any case, I’m glad to hear it.

  5. Uncanny, I was attracted to your site because I identified so much with your “political conversion” story, your identity as a therapist, and the diverse and thoughtful nature of your articles, and the commentary of the participants. Hearing about your mom is stunning because I can tell a very similar table about my father, now 5 years into “assisted living” and his relationship as a loner with both the lousy food and people in his “group” as he puts it; he began using a cane after surgery 6 years ago, about 2 months ago he stopped using it except for very long walks, he turned 95 this last January. Assisted living, and the people around him saved his life, and mine…

  6. I am sending your story on to my siblings, my mother has been becoming more imobile every year and is moving from the nursing home (for rehab) to assisted living. Our minds are wonderful, but they often create the barriers that we can’t hurdle, jump over or crash through, encouragement is often seen as meddlesome. All we can give unconditionally is Love.

  7. Perfected democrat: Does your father live anywhere near NYC? Maybe we could arrange a match—they sound like kindred spirits.

  8. Hi Neo, nice thought, but, Denver…. In reference to “William Earl Dungey Says: Our minds are wonderful, but they often create the barriers that we can’t hurdle, jump over or crash through…”; We are definitely trapped in ourselves, and this becomes applicable well beyond the “geriatric”. Perhaps you could explore specifically the “closed mind” as related to human nature and the “self-destructive. There must be direct links to violence, and more broadly, cultural, religious and political violence, as well as the passive acquiescence of horror. By the time a Hitler or Saddam and their “followers” are finished, they have destroyed and degraded not only the lives of the innocent, but their own as well. Why would “rational” people (and I’m sure they are) make that kind of choice?

  9. Answering my own question: Greedy miscalculation, I suppose, and then in you’re in too deep…” But I have to think it’s deeper than that.

  10. … “deeper than that”, or there is no hope; perhaps there isn’t…

  11. Lovely post. Unfortunately when my Mom suffered her last stroke, she never recovered her will to keep going, get stronger. You are a lucky daughter.

  12. My mom is 70. She suffered a brain hemorrage two years ago, and is fully recovered now.

    Mom worked 45 hours a week before her hemorrage. She’s a very tough, get up and go person. Yet, after, she stuck with her wheelchair longer than necessary, then she stuck with her cane longer than necessary. I asked why, and she said “security blanket”. She didn’t want to be caught in a long walk, or in a long stand, where she would get tired and not have her wheelchair or her cane to help her. It was fear of unknown circumstances. The wheelchair and the walker were her security against the unknown.

  13. Our parents seem to teach us stuff till the bitter end. My mom still teaches me and shes been dead 10 years.

  14. Neo such a nice piece ever I read in your blog.

    I wish your mother all the best and I pray for her to be good and well Insha’Allah.

  15. What a heartening story of your mother. Guess it sometimes takes a while for those seeds that are planted to grow to fruition. At least that’s how it is in my life.

  16. Very uplifting story, neo.

    My mother (86) seeks out and cultivates disability. She can walk, but doesn’t and won’t any more than she absolutely has to. She has been that way for over 30 years, and now has so little muscle tone that she has trouble even with a walker. Getting other people to do things for her – even things she doesn’t especially want done – is one of her great joys of life, kind of like getting a dog to do tricks. As a consequence, all of her friends and neighbors (she’s still in her home) avoid her like the plague.

    I have (stubbornly?) refused to accept the “she’s too old to change” perspective, and subtly try to force her to walk a bit more (“this looks like the closest parking space”), as well as adopting the passive aggressive “slow service” strategy of your mom’s assisted living home, both in hopes of getting her to do more, not less.

    I live in hope that she will have the kind of “road to Damascus” epiphany your mother had.

  17. I am very very happy to hear it. My father refused to do much or any activity and his decline was marked from that point on.

    And my compliments to your mom on her excellent decision.

  18. We can talk about our national and global victories and defeats, but it’s the small personal victories that really count.

    I wish your mom, and you, the very best. Thank you for the story.

  19. I thank you for sharing that wonderful story, and I thank your Mom for demonstrating resilience and spirit. Our family is struggling with parents who are sliding downhill and won’t move closer to the family so that we can keep them out of assisted living (which they would hate) and give them more time with the family. This story came at a good time for me. Thanks.

  20. Everybody can do more than one usually does. The only problem is motivation. We all prefer comfort and leisure, so do not push themselves hard enough. To make extraordinary effort is hard in any age, but for very old this is especially hard. I was amazed when my father in his eighties built a new country house almost without any help, only by using powered tools instead usual hand tools like saws and bench axes. But after four years in trenches at WWII, he developed a habit to do everything himself. Hardly I would be able in his age to do the same. His generation is called great not without a reason.

  21. I think she just got tired of waiting around for the attendant, and decided that–like the Little Red Hen–she would (and could) do it herself.

    And therein laid the key. If someone feels safe and comfortable in one spot, then they won’t like moving to another spot, even if it is better. However, if things become too uncomfortable or annoying, then people suddenly acquire this desire, this motivation and will, to get something done.

    The same applies to warfare. When things are good, people get complacent. When things are bad, people get motivated to get stuck in or help out or improve upon the status quo. If their shopping at the mall is uncomfortable and what they see on tv isn’t, then the mall will be their natural choice.

  22. What a charming story, and so well written. Thank you for sharing it, and your blessings. Reading it made me miss my parents a bit more, but gave me a deep, warm feeling in my heart as well.

    Thanks.

    Trey

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