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Phoning home — 16 Comments

  1. Your frequency of calls sounds rather like mine. When I went off to college (in the mid-80s), I started a ritual of calling my parents once a week, usually on Sundays (and at the time, usually collect). I started that partly because at the time, my mother called my grandmother about once a week, so I figured that was a good frequency for calling. My father’s health declined a lot starting five or six years ago, and eventually he went to an assisted living place to live. Then I started calling a little more frequently. After he passed away last year, I called daily for a while, and now it’s around every other day on average.

  2. Neo,
    We’ve just had a roller coaster week with my 93-year-old mother-in-law. It’s now looking like she will recover from her pneumonia, but it really is hard to sort out all the emotions you go through. Her world, never very broad to begin with, has narrowed further, and it seems every conversation is the same. Still I keep trying to think of little things that might brighten her day, but my ideas are dwindling. It is a difficult time.

  3. My father is 3 months shy of 96, now in assisted living, though in relatively incredible shape for his age. I call him everyday, except days when we go out for dinner or lunch, average about 10 a month. It used to seem like way too much, but now I see it as only about 2 1//2 hrs…., not so bad, because in a not long while it will all only be memory… In any case, among the books, publications, and videos which I steer him almost every visit, I think the courses from the Teaching Company are exceptional. He used to talk about being interested in physics and science, but didn’t seem to know where to start on his own. They aren’t dirt cheap, but if you buy them when they’re on sale, not bad, I’ll watch them later, then give them away (though actually I’ve spent a fortune on the literature courses for myself). For my father it’s been a bit like going back to school, and been remarkably therapeutic for him (and as a result, for me). Check it out: http://www.TEACH12.com

  4. Neo squared,

    the first thing I have to say is I am truly happy you have had a good relationship with your Mother over the years. Life is an odd thing in so many ways. In respect to situations like this when our lives are filled to the brim with work, raising children, etc. we don’t have the time to be engaged to the extent we would like with our parents. Then when our time frees up as children grow and leave our parents are often not able to be engaged the way we would like.

    I’m happy for both of you and your Mother that she at least now seems to be content.

  5. My mom and dad have been gone a very long time. At 56, I am a grandfather myself. I was 18 (she died young) when my mom died, and 37 when my dad died. I’d give just about anything to be able to talk again with either of them, still.

  6. Intersting observations …made me do a little thinking. I’m a 60 year old woman who always enjoyed a great phone relationship with my mother. It was only during the last pain filled month of her life that conversation did not flow easily. I didn’t avoid the reality that her pain was all consuming and I would “name it” and say I was just so sorry she had to be suffering. She had always prided herself on being plucky and uncomplaining but the darned pain made us both quiet in humble acknowledgement of it’s power.
    One other thing to share…in spite of our great telephone comraderie, I ofter felt sufficated by her presence when we had an in person visit. That always dismayed me.

  7. Neo,
    That was a very nice post about your mother. I hope you get to share many more moments with her before her time comes. Cherish them.

  8. It’s a blessing to have a close relationship with your parents into their old age. My mother passed away three years ago at age 89, and I still miss talking to her.

  9. My mother died over 35 years ago at 51 and so I envy even the changes you’re going through with having to call her now. How fortunate you are to still have her.

  10. Sounds like you are missing your Mom. We all carry an image of our Mom in our heads, created from childhood and preserved and re-affirmed through continuous interactions in life between Mother and daughter. Both sides want and need this relationship to endure and both protect and preserve it.

    But your Mom suffered a brain injury and as a result her mind has been subtly altered. Perhaps that role and persona she had with you was partially lost or damaged and so she can no longer respond to those old cues and memories that used to feed the bond between you.

    But in your brain that reservoir of memories and responses still feeds you dailly and it hurts to get no feedback from her.

    It is a strange thing to lose the role of child to one’s parent and instead become the parent to the child.

    I had to nurse my Mom through terminal cancer and when she died I was terribly grief stricken. It was the loss of my Mother, the mother inside me, that I missed so much. It was the realization of being on my own, without a Mother to watch out for me and nurture me, that was the hardest adjustment.

    When my Dad slipped into dementia, it was not so hard for me. I had already moved away from being the Child and had no adjustments to make when I became my Dad’s caregiver.
    No, a slight correction, there was some adjustments, I did feel it was unfair that I had to care for my Dad, because he had not been the best Dad in the world but my husband made me see that that was not important. The important thing was was doing the right thing because he needed me.

  11. Beautiful thoughts, Neo.

    At 54 and a late father, I’m in the position to see my 2 and 6 year olds develope and my 79 year old mother just recently crest the hill.

    The comparison is interesting to me. Babies’ little world expands as their nervous system matures to make it possible. At first their world is in their own skin, then sensory, then eyesight expands focus, etc. They gain confidence and competence as they mature.

    My mother is in very good shape and health, more energy than me, but a failed cataract surgery has left her with somewhat poor eyesight (she can still read, but does so in sunlight). I’ve noticed she has slipped some. Until this last year she never misplaced things or showed any clumsiness. But what would one expect?

    But she has lost some of her self-confidence in everyday things. Like driving unfamiliar routes, or anything to do with visual recognition. And I’m guessing that her world will continue to shrink a little in the coming years.

    My point in this comparison – I think the opposite happens at each end of life, and physiology plays a role. As peripheral vision and hearing fade, the world literally shrinks for our elders. And it’s probably true to some degree for all of the senses. I’m sure a good attitude towards life, a feeling of being needed and loved, of engagement with the world, are very important in keeping a brain that probably processes less stimuli than in younger people operating sharply.

  12. Great story. I am watching my own mother change. She has lost her energy but strangely has gained a contentment she never had before. I miss that energy even if I don’t miss arguing over the piddling things she liked to fight about.

  13. My wife’s mother, who lived in Chicago until she moved over a thousand miles to live close to us in New Mexico, also called every day. She passed away December last year, suffering from Alzheimer’s for the last [at least] 10-15 years of her life. Especially after she moved close to us, she called every evening. Eventually she quit calling, which we soon realized was due to the fact that she couldn’t remember how to dial the phone. Her decline was long and very difficult for all, including her, of course. I hope you and your mother have a better experience.

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