[NOTE: I've decided to take a short break from ragging on Obama today.]
So, do you agree that Eight O’Clock coffee is better than Starbucks? Consumer Reports says it is.
I have no opinion on the subject, because I never touch the stuff. Yes folks, today we have still another in a long series of shocking beverage confessions from neo-neocon: I hate coffee.
I don’t like coffee black. I don’t like it milked and sweetened and tarted up and I don’t like it expressoed. I don’t like it decaffed and I don’t like it supercharged. I don’t like the frappuccino mochachino whateverchino million-calorie extravaganzas at Starbucks.
I don’t like coffee’s taste. I don’t like the jittery feeling I get after I take just a few sips. I don’t like what it does to my GI tract. I don’t like the bitter aftermath, which seems to coat my entire alimentary canal with a thin layer of clinging grime. I don’t like the fact that it makes me thirsty, of all things.
I do like the smell. And I like the idea of drinking coffee, the conviviality of sitting with friends after a meal to savor the lingering moment.
And while we’re at it, it’s time to get a few other things off my chest. I don’t like tea.
Actually, I don’t like any caffeinated drinks, not even Coke.
Oh, what the heck, I may as well get it all out. True confessions: I don’t like any sort of sweetened soda, sugared or artificial.
And I absolutely detest the milky icky stickiness of milk—always have, even from childhood.
To make matters worse, I don’t like fruit juice. Even orange juice. Or maybe especially orange juice.
Okay, I’m going to level with you. I don’t like any sweetened or flavored beverage much, except for a sip now and then. The most I’ll do is a shot of peppermint tea, or one of those thingees with the bubbly water and a touch of vanilla or amaretto syrup.
My favorite beverage? You guessed it: water—and not necessarily that bottled stuff. From the tap is okay, too, especially on ice. Ahh! I like it carbonated, as well—the fancy foreign mineral type or the plain domestic.
And if there are any other carbonated water aficionados among my readers, have you ever noticed that the decree has been handed down that there will be no chilled individual bottles of carbonated water sold in a market?
Every now and then a little mini-Perrier will sneak into the cooler in the quickie grocery at the rest stop. But most of the time you will find nothing resembling soda water there, although nearly every other type of carbonated and non-carbonated drink will be present and accounted for—diet and sugared and caffeinated and non, as well as juices and teas and beers and flavored coffees, beverages to restore your sweat and balance your minerals and get your mojo working so you can drive all night, or to mellow you out. Plain water will always be there, too, and plenty of it. But you will have a long, long search before you find you can quench your thirst on the road with a cold bottle of the plain bubbly.
There. I feel better now.