…and it was just opened.
On her release, she appears to have made the happy discovery that gay marriage is here, and that furthermore it will save us in the following manner:
As same-sex couples marry, they will be forced to re-imagine many tenets of your “traditional marriage.” In doing so, they will face a series of complicated questions:
Should one of us change our last name? And if so, who?
Should we have kids? Do we want to have kids? How do we want to have kids? Whose last name do our kids take?
How about housework, work-work, childcare? How do we assign these roles equitably? How do we cultivate a partnership that honors each of our professional and personal ambitions?
As questions continually arise, heterosexual couples will take notice — and be forced to address how much “traditional marriage” is built on gender roles and perpetuates a nauseating inequality that has no place in 2014.
Having just arrived in the year 2014, Carina can be forgiven for not realizing that these are topics about which heterosexual men and women have been duking it out ad nauseam, with great and voluble intensity, in speech and in print, for over fifty years. Despite this, there has been no unanimity or resolution on the subjects, although one can hardly say the issues are the least bit unexamined.
I know quite a few gay and lesbian couples, and I can’t say I ever noticed they don’t fight over the usual things like who will do the dishes and which name to give the kiddies and whose job should take precedence. What’s more, when I studied domestic abuse in grad school I learned that—somewhat surprisingly, since gender differences were originally thought to be part of the impetus—gays even have very similar rates of domestic violence compared to heterosexual couples. We are far more the same than we are different, it seems.
But Carina believes that gay married couples have a magically better approach to the questions she lists, because there will be no gender-based power struggles between them, and their wonderful influence will seep into the lives of heterosexuals and affect them for the better, ushering in the Brave New World of which Carina dreams.
And that’s why Carina has never before admitted that yes, gay marriage will influence straight marriage:
So yes, I told a white lie while soldiering on toward this inevitable outcome. I bit my lip in favor of dignity and equality — not just for the LGBTQ community but for heterosexual women. I have done nothing for which I am ashamed.
…I believe that marriage equality will stomp out the remaining misogyny that you call “tradition.”
And that’s a win, not just for the LGBTQ community but for heterosexual women and the heterosexual men who see them as equals.
Carina Kolodny isn’t a writer for the Onion. She a real live person and she’s very, very serious. What she doesn’t know about marriage—heterosexual and gay—could fill a book. And it probably will some day.