Last Sunday was the 22nd Annual Critics’ Choice Awards, and you know what that means: neo-neocon brings you the fashion news, to make you forget all your woes.
At first I thought Kaley Cuoco looked dreadful as well as weird:
What’s up with that sort-of-lace sort-of-crocheted sort-of-macrame top with the HUGE train, paired with the saggy cropped pants that would look okay on the beach? Well, at least she looks happy, and as though she’s in on the joke.
But after I looked at the rest of the fashions, I realized that Cuoco was sporting one of the better ensembles. There was an embarrassment of riches to choose from in the “worst-dressed” category, which included practically everybody.
Sometimes the awfulness was subtle enough that it took a moment to realize in how many ways the outfit was awful. For example:
The panty-revealing see-through skirt (very fashionable these days, apparently). The deep V (likewise, almost obligatory). The floppy white bow. Strange and out-of-whack.
Here’s a bad color, another deep-V, and the nightgown look:
This one is just “off” in a way that’s hard to describe. The color combination. The fit. Some outfits have too much imagination; this one has a deficit of imagination, with a style that’s rather prom-like (circa 1980s?):
Strangely enough, I like this one. One of the few I like. It’s certainly different, but in a good way. It’s retro, but in a pleasant way. The hairdo is a bit much, but it works with the entire ensemble:
This one is again the wrong color. Plus another V-to-the-waist; so tiresomely revealing, and it can’t be comfortable to wear. Draggy and sad:
Here’s a beautiful dress—for some occasion. Maybe a Goth wedding? A Victorian garden party? But with this geisha makeup, the effect is frightening and vampirish (maybe that’s the goal?):
Okay; I give up. Every now and then I’ve been known to wear a bunch of black clothes that don’t match (blacks have shades, too). But not to an awards ceremony. This is very very schlumpy, and probably purposely so:
Here’s that V again. It looks especially strange with this Cinderella-esque prom-queen look, which seems very juvenile for the sophisticate wearing it:
And last but not least—no, no, no. Very few people on earth could look good in this dress (including its unflattering length), and this lady is not one of them. It could probably make Audrey Hepburn look fat, and rather like a crocheted doily:
There were more where those came from, but I’ll quit now.