December 16th, 2016

Let’s have a fashion interlude

Last Sunday was the 22nd Annual Critics’ Choice Awards, and you know what that means: neo-neocon brings you the fashion news, to make you forget all your woes.

At first I thought Kaley Cuoco looked dreadful as well as weird:

kaleycuoco

What’s up with that sort-of-lace sort-of-crocheted sort-of-macrame top with the HUGE train, paired with the saggy cropped pants that would look okay on the beach? Well, at least she looks happy, and as though she’s in on the joke.

But after I looked at the rest of the fashions, I realized that Cuoco was sporting one of the better ensembles. There was an embarrassment of riches to choose from in the “worst-dressed” category, which included practically everybody.

Sometimes the awfulness was subtle enough that it took a moment to realize in how many ways the outfit was awful. For example:

michellemonaghan

The panty-revealing see-through skirt (very fashionable these days, apparently). The deep V (likewise, almost obligatory). The floppy white bow. Strange and out-of-whack.

This next one is more simple; it’s just plain unflattering:

annachlumsky

Here’s a bad color, another deep-V, and the nightgown look:

brycedallashoward

This one is just “off” in a way that’s hard to describe. The color combination. The fit. Some outfits have too much imagination; this one has a deficit of imagination, with a style that’s rather prom-like (circa 1980s?):

cynthianixon

Strangely enough, I like this one. One of the few I like. It’s certainly different, but in a good way. It’s retro, but in a pleasant way. The hairdo is a bit much, but it works with the entire ensemble:

janellemonae

This one is again the wrong color. Plus another V-to-the-waist; so tiresomely revealing, and it can’t be comfortable to wear. Draggy and sad:

jessicabeal

Here’s a beautiful dress—for some occasion. Maybe a Goth wedding? A Victorian garden party? But with this geisha makeup, the effect is frightening and vampirish (maybe that’s the goal?):

lilycollins

Okay; I give up. Every now and then I’ve been known to wear a bunch of black clothes that don’t match (blacks have shades, too). But not to an awards ceremony. This is very very schlumpy, and probably purposely so:

mauratierney

Here’s that V again. It looks especially strange with this Cinderella-esque prom-queen look, which seems very juvenile for the sophisticate wearing it:

susankelechi

And last but not least—no, no, no. Very few people on earth could look good in this dress (including its unflattering length), and this lady is not one of them. It could probably make Audrey Hepburn look fat, and rather like a crocheted doily:

traceeellisross

There were more where those came from, but I’ll quit now.

19 Responses to “Let’s have a fashion interlude”

  1. Mrs Whatsit Says:

    Isn’t that Miss Havisham in the faded white lace Victorian wedding dress?

  2. Susanamantha Says:

    What’s with trousers being hemmed at ground level? Don’t these people have to trudge through snow, rain and mud like the rest of us? I have been seeing such lengths for a few months now in fashion magazines. Maybe they ride around in rickshaws, or just hover above the mess.

  3. neo-neocon Says:

    Susanamantha:

    It never rains in southern California.

  4. Esther Says:

    That mismatched black pants outfit is definitely hanging in my closet, also badly needing hemming– and she has my hairstyle too! Hmm.?

  5. Nick Says:

    Michelle Monaghan’s outfit probably looked fine before that dove flew into it. And Bryce Dallas Howard would probably have looked cute if she didn’t need to wear that black support garment outside her dress.

  6. Yancey Ward Says:

    Ms. Cuoco could make a burlap sack look good.

  7. expat Says:

    The orange dress makes the woman look pregnant.
    Is fashion designing what snowflakes do when they get out of school?

  8. Liz Says:

    You are correct – none of the outfits are good looking. I didn’t recognize one person.

  9. Matt_SE Says:

    I wonder if this vomitous explosion of individuality isn’t the problem. You notice how they’re all horrible in unique ways?
    What happened to “tasteful?”
    I think it died with common standards.

  10. parker Says:

    Matt_SE,

    The country has been rushing to the lowest common denominator ever since baseball was no longer the national sport.

    Liz,

    I am with you, I have no idea who these women are or why anyone cares who they are.

  11. Philip Says:

    That red-and-white thing was bearable, I thought. At least, I considered it the best of that batch. But ohh, my eyes…

  12. miklos000rosza Says:

    Well, that was all ugliness. Ugly models in ugly clothes. Why not look at something interesting, like the Babyghost line, with models Xiao and Jesse Stewart?

    My favorite model anywhere is Fei Fei Sun. There’s never been an Asian model on the cover of Vogue USA, though they appear on covers of Italian and Australian versions of the magazine. Uh, why?

    Also, my favorite male supermodel is David Gandy, who’s not exactly a prettyboy. He’s over 30 and looks like a badass.

    Those are my quick thoughts on fashion today.

  13. OM Says:

    Who knew that a toaster cosy could also serve as an evening gown?

  14. groundhog Says:

    Fei Fei Sun on Italian Vogue

    http://pixel.nymag.com/imgs/fashion/daily/2013/01/02/02-fei-fei-sun-vogue-italia.w190.h190.2x.jpg

  15. Jim Miller Says:

    Some of those outfits remind me of a short science fiction story I read years and years ago. (It probably came out about the same time as “the sack” dress.)

    Aliens have secretly taken over our fashion industry, and are plotting to destroy us by discouraging us from breeding. The aliens know they have succeeded when they develop an outfit that repels a sailor, famous for his willingness to make love to any woman who will have him.

    (On a more pleasant note: I keep hoping that someone who knows something about fashion — for instance, neo — will take a look at Samantha Cameron’s choices in clothes. I’ve thought for some time that she had excellent taste, and a good sense of what worked for her — but I know so little about these things that I don’t trust my own judgement.

    Incidentally, she’s one of my favorite examples for understanding politicians through the choices they made for their spouses. George W. Bush married a school librarian; David Cameron married a womn in the fashion industry, and those choices tell us something about both men.).

  16. Susan Says:

    I could have found much nicer things at my local Goodwill Outlet at a tiny fraction of the price! (items there priced at $1.59/pound, and there are lots of designer dresses)

  17. JuliB Says:

    The mismatched black could have looked decent with a better choice of jackets. That blazer is frumpy and poorly shaped.

  18. Geoffrey Britain Says:

    What perfect commentary on the liberal Hollywood elite. And a perfect match for the dysfunctional entertainment they purvey. Rome’s depravity* lives again. The consequential result of abandoning classical liberal principles and judeo/christian values.
    *Whoopi Goldberg recently on ‘the view’ compared the right to celebrate Christmas (religious freedom) with the right to kill the unborn, i.e. abortion.

  19. Artfldgrs Says:

    They do take pics of the men too.. I know, i did as well when i used to do red carpet…

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Previously a lifelong Democrat, born in New York and living in New England, surrounded by liberals on all sides, I've found myself slowly but surely leaving the fold and becoming that dread thing: a neocon.
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