March 24th, 2017

Batteries included

I purchased a battery-powered implement the other day of a type that’s been proliferating in stores during the last few years: the heel smoother.

You can find a plethora of buffers and scrapers, shavers and grinders, all guaranteeing to pare down those horny heels. And then we have the creams—sticks and tubes and jars, all promising (with photos!) heels as velvety soft as a baby’s bottom.


My particular gizmo was cleverly called “achilles’ heel” and I found it on sale for a pittance at T.J. Maxx, where it beckoned seductively to me—after all, it’s manufactured by a company called “bliss” (and all those lower-case words are not an error on my part; “bliss” seems to have e. e. cummings writing its copy).

But that’s not what this post is about. This post is about the book of instructions that came with my heel buffer. And in that book of instructions, along with such helpful hints as “don’t operate under a blanket; can cause a fire” and “ensure that your hands are dry when operating the controls,” I found the following:

Remove battery promptly if consumed.

If consumed? I know that lawyers create these things nowadays, and they like to cover all possible bases. But, eating batteries? Would anyone really think to do such a thing? Or is it the entire implement (which is not enormous, but certainly a rather large item to swallow) that might be ingested?

And then, how to remove, once down the gullet? The mind boggles at the thought.

Fortunately, as is true of most instructions these days, these came in several languages. Turning the pages to the only other language of which I have even a rudimentary knowledge, I saw that in Spanish the sentence became:

Retire las pilas rápidamente si están agotadas.

I retain enough high school Spanish to know that must mean something like, “remove the batteries quickly if they are…” and then some verb. If they are eaten? No. If they are chewed? No.

But the internet is a glorius thing, and a search immediately provided the meaning of the verb “agotar”: exhausted; depleted.

If the batteries are exhausted or depleted. It was both a relief and a disappointment at the same time.

12 Responses to “Batteries included”

  1. Vanderleun Says:

    Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck….

    Who says girls don’t get Stooges?

  2. wooly bully Says:

    e. e. Cummings is dead.
    bell hooks writes their copy.

  3. Artfldgr Says:

    Want to guess why malls and other areas are geared to women spending? cause they will spend on tons of stuff that they dont need, doesnt work, and on and on..

    now they need free tampons

    how about a tax return for men as they need to buy more food to survive than women do?

    The Science of Shopping

    my skills in magic design, psychology, human nature, art and such made it easy to help write adds for ACR (tameriond lenses, expensive scotch, estee lauder, etc)

    they know more about you than you know about you and that its even more than psychologists and psychiatrists know, in terms of what works or not, there is no marx and bs in THIS hall of theory, as there is no free money for that crap here..

    the whole point of feminism was economic ruin of the family by gaming the money pit. and so, a wife could spend her family into ruin (and does so more than men do)… and now without men, they are the leading numbers in bankruptcy, welfare, support, grants, loans and so on….

    Initial Stimulation of a Need. Millions of dollars are spent each year to motivate buyers to purchase particular products in the belief that the products will make them healthier, wealthier, safer, or more attractive.

    This is the logic behind special sales, coupons, and discounts. In fact, individuals going through major life events are especially vulnerable to new appeals since they often don’t notice, nor care, that their shopping habits have shifted.

    want to guess who falls prey to this in huge amounts more than the other sex? to what point? till they hate themselves and blame others for that hate… they want to make their vertical smiles look right with plastic surgury, bleach the skin, weave the hair, lipposuction, eye surgery, body modifications, diets, fads, machines to scrape and scrube cause a rock and your hand is so primitive.

    Influence of Third Parties. Third-party endorsements by friends, social peers, or authority figures influence our selection of products. Jonah Berger, assistant professor of marketing at the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School of Business and the author of “Contagious: Why things Catch On,” says, “People often think that contagious products just get lucky. But it’s not luck and it’s not random. It’s science.”

    and who is also more vulnerable to bad advice? women… they will even wear their underwear, and dress like prostitutes to be like other women… they will destroy their family to be like olther women..even have sex theryh dont want to have, cause image is everything, and substance can be faked.

    Personal Evaluation. Your decision to pick one product over another is influenced by a number of factors, including the appeal of the packaging and the method or convenience of payment. These subconscious factors can actually exert more influence over your decision than price or quality. Understanding your motive for purchasing one item over another helps you make better choices.

    one only needs to see that much more than 75% of the mall space is for women… shopping centers are nt for men… its very hard to sell to men cause the hoaky bs that women respond to, like magical fruit makes skin like a peach (kind of like being a very wealthy monkey bathing in food, the wealth of that realm)

    the first female millionaire in us history (self made not poaching her mates $$$), was a black woman in harlem, who sold, you guessed it… makeup and hair things to poor blacke women that were underserved. (that was better than petitioning the state like women do today, she saw that, and made opportunity, women today see that and its a crime against female humantiy (male humityd dont matter))

    women hate that men have cars and love them
    but for a woman, a man is a car
    she gains status, wealth, and social cache
    and she also gets a CHARGIT card…

    guess who also suffers buyers remorse more?
    who throws away things or gives them away barely used?

  4. Artfldgr Says:

    Ladies, Love to Shop? I Know Why!
    Shopping holds out the intoxicating promise of controlling one’s destiny

    Psychology Today

    outside of the article the reaons are actually primitive
    women are gatherers, and so, they shop
    men are hunters, and their behaviors reflect that

    even macys puts up the flowers and such to make theforest with the fruit of products seem so heavenly to the womens mind… you have trails, and paths, with bushes and vines… you see all manner of things to gather for the home, and make em all proud..

    because men are proud of making something and women are proud of finding something.

    [if you disagree with what i am saying and writing, then get your honking great mind in gear, there is billions to be made in advertising and revolutionizing that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! otherwise, madsion avenuses 3million a second talk a lot louder than your opininon over things about us we dont like about ourselves!!]

    be prepared to hear a feminist deny her own nature, the trilloin industry of advertising and the billions and trillions spent over 100 years once we found who was receptive..

    businesses even wanted feminism cause the men were too frugal and they knew women would spend like druken sailors (sorry to insult druken sailors)
    the article:

    Women’s shopping is often crudely explained as a “female drive.” Such naturalistic reasoning seems to originate with socio-biologists, who search for reductionist biological explanations for sex differences as though our all of our habits, even ones that are clearly culturally influenced or determined, developed in a jungle. Frankly, as a feminist, I find myself in passionate disagreement with a theoretical stance that too often implicitly depicts men as superior: in this case, as just naturally more frugal (i.e., “reasonable”) than women. Until men and women are on a level playing field in terms of rights, income, and leadership, we won’t be able to separate true gender differences from differences that arise from unequal power. Shopping is a case in point.

    and thats why no one gonna agree
    they define it… cause they dont like it
    but i ask

    what DO they like about themselves as a class?
    not much at all…
    and its sad

    they used to like themselves so much more and througth that like their mates and same the other way around…

    and of course she now has to make fun of the science she disagrees with as its confirmed in genetics, fmri, and other areas too… but quietly, not in the press, or psych today whcih became a feminist rag not worth reading much…

    According to the socio-biologists, women are linked to shopping in the same way that men are linked to sports. Often women’s behavior is explained by something like the “shopping gene”: men are the “hunters” (conquering stuff) and women are the “gatherers” (finding stuff). Remarkably, though, shopping (as in “real shopping”—serious bargain hunting and a whole day of meandering around through different shops) is not a primordial urge. It began historically, as an offshoot of advertising and commercialism, as a way to encourage women to feel in charge—deceptively inviting them to make choices and decisions of their own.

    see? no, not conquering, you dont conuquer a muskrat to eat… but only ladies say that, and no one can reign them in on stupid…

    the skill set is different going after something that moves that can kill you.. .no? so THATS it, but why would someone that doesnt conquer realize that, its a lot easier to speak for both sides, cut out the male, and win the opininon and be loved by the only people that matter. other women.

    but she is wrong… because she has to go back to feminist roots and completely ignore about 100,000 years of stuff and even fossil records.. after all, she is being polticial not scientific, and her goal is not to inform, but to program. (hey, they even say so)

    Beginning in the late Victorian era and continuing through the explosion of full-blown American consumerism in the 1920s, women were seduced by a “liberation” movement they didn’t design. Previously excluded from significant economic activity, they were suddenly thrust onto center stage. The dry goods stores of earlier eras (where women went to buy personal items and materials required to make clothes) had been dark and unattractive places. No one wanted to spend the afternoon there

    no, that wasnt it… thats ignorance of the past.. which serves feminism very well as we forget the seven sisters, the woman that owned a steal mill, the women pirates, and more.. (and the feminists solved that by claiming those were feminists before there was feminism, which is kind of like claiming racists before the concept and so on)

    now watch how she tries to dash off the thing she dislikes and then sets herself up for another dislike!!!

    When glamorous, well-lit and artfully decorated “department stores” first opened in cities like New York, Chicago, and San Francisco, they were celebrated as a cultural achievement. Macy’s, Marshall Fields, Wanamaker’s and Altman’s were among the first to lure middle class women into their soothing interiors.

    so, your not a natural shopper she says, that would be against her feminist wiles… instead, she has to be influenced more than men to be tricked into the consumerism that men dont get tricked into, that men do to her as a victim, and that she has no moral agency of her own.. .

    but dont notice taht, she is trying to show women dont like shopping… they only like it cause they are easier to trick… funny, eh?

    kind of like using a 9 year old girl as a symbol of strong women… cause what is a woman to thse people but a scared girl inside that never grows up?

  5. TommyJay Says:

    AA alkaline cells will last a decade or more if they have a decent charge. Once the charge is depleted the pH changes and the chemicals will eat through the metal container and leak. In my experience Everreadys are very prone to depletion leakage.

  6. JTW Says:

    battery powered heel smoother? Just use a piece of medium grain sandpaper…

  7. Ray Says:

    “Remove battery promptly if consumed.”
    They mean remove the battery when it’s dead. Don’t leave dead batteries in the gadget because dead batteries will corrode, leak and swell. I left a flashlight in the car trunk and the batteries had discharged with age and had swollen so much they were irremovable. I threw the flashlight away.

  8. Michael F Adams Says:

    There are also pumice blocks to do the same thing.

    However, I do understand that wanting to be rid of callus is more than just some aesthetic concern. It can be a bit uncomfortable, and can run hose. So, “vanity, thy name is” NOT Neo. The callus can crack and get infected, and, with impaired sensation in the feet, infection could go unobserved until amputation loomed.

    But and however, and with all that, I, too, am amused at the translations into English I see in manufactured products. My wife and I, fairly polyglot ourselves, have speculated for forty five years that someone’s nephew got the job of doing the translation. Italian museum guide pamphlets come to mind. The English translation has most of the words right, but the syntax is clearly translated or transliterated from the original.

  9. Les Says:

    I think that was directed at a subset of the “little achilles” connoisseurs. This group likes to ingest (or consume) the gadget while it’s still powered on and despite the claim by some that the mixing of battery acid and stomach acid only strengthens, is actually dangerous if the battery leaks so thus the battery needs to be removed by a surgeon after consumption.

  10. Fausta Says:

    Agotadas has been the proper term in Spanish since batteries were invented, just as dead is in English.

  11. BillR Says:

    During a recent trip to a restaurant supply I noticed a sign in the knife section: “Warning – please keep knives out of children”. Ah, ESL!
    Neo’s example comes (I think) from what I call “dictionary translation” – where word-by-word translation is done from a dictionary alone and shades of contextual meaning are blissfully lost.

  12. Glen H Says:

    “Horny heels”? I’m guessing you’re not talking about Anthony Weiner here.

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Previously a lifelong Democrat, born in New York and living in New England, surrounded by liberals on all sides, I've found myself slowly but surely leaving the fold and becoming that dread thing: a neocon.

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