January 16th, 2018

Here’s my advice, Grace

“Grace” is not actually her name. But she’s the woman whose tell-all story of a bad date with comedian Aziz Ansari (nope, never heard of him before, but I sure have now) has gone viral.

I’m not at all sure I’d recommend that you read it, because it will probably enrage you and sadden you in equal measure, and it feels like a terrible invasion of privacy—Ansari’s privacy, that is. It is very graphic and very cruel, but I guess all celebrities are fair game now to the MeToo crowd.

The story exhibits the same problems that were apparent from early in the history of this movement: the strange lack of agency of women who think of themselves as strong and able to function in the world.

In other words: Dear Grace and others with similar tales, if you mean “no,” say it. And then act it out. Get up, get dressed, get going. Why so tongue-tied? Why expect a man to read your mind when you are sending the most mixed signals possible—going to his apartment on a first date, taking off your clothes, etc. etc. and so forth, and expecting him to understand that your “yes” means “no” and your “not this moment but maybe later” means “never”?

And while we’re on the subject—what on earth did you expect from this encounter? You didn’t know this guy, except his public persona in various roles. If you engage in casual sex with someone you don’t know, it just might not go very well.

Young women today are not all like Grace. I know plenty of them who are not. But something has gone horribly, horribly wrong with a lot of young women, some combination of feminism and leftism and the sexual revolution and hookup culture and widespread divorce and the self-esteem movement and trophies for everyone and—have I missed anything?

23 Responses to “Here’s my advice, Grace”

  1. Dave Says:

    Grace is a gold digger who got upset because the millionaire celebrity who she thought would marry her and made her a millionaire ended up just wanting a quick one night stand and use her as a sex toy.

  2. Lee Says:

    I liked this Daily Wire article about it: https://www.dailywire.com/news/25928/walsh-you-feel-violated-after-casual-sex-because-matt-walsh?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_content=062316-news&utm_campaign=benshapiro

    It’s worth a read, certainly.

  3. Geoffrey Britain Says:

    neo,

    You forgot “playing the victim”…

  4. AMartel Says:

    Political womens’ groups have done to women what all political identity groups do to their followers: Perma-victimized them by absolving them of all responsibility and agency.

  5. NeoConScum Says:

    Amen, Neo!!
    Or, as the great Condi Rice said a few days ago regarding the #MeToo s-storm: “Let’s not make women into Snowflakes!”

  6. Sharon W Says:

    I am so thankful that my sons are married and I don’t have to worry about them in the current crazy environment. There are a lot of loons out there.

  7. DNW Says:

    ” … have I missed anything? ”

    Moral nihilism and the consequent elevation of mindless subjectivity to the pinnacle of epistemological understanding.

  8. dbp Says:

    “Aziz Ansari (nope, never heard of him before, but I sure have now)”

    He had a small, but entertaining part in parks & recreation. Since then he did a made for Netflix series called, Master Of None. The first season is merely funny light humor. The second season was some of the best television I have ever seen–even funnier than the first season but deeper and more challenging. worth a look.

    In case you think it is only for people of a certain (young) age, I am 55, my wife is 50 and she loved it too.

  9. kevino Says:

    I agree.

    Camile Paglia has written and lectured on this subject. She points out that many young women (not all) feel that they can jump in bed with anyone and demand a good outcome. If it doesn’t, if they have regrets, then it’s “date rape”. Paglia compares this behavior to homosexual males, who understand that engaging in sex, especially with people you don’t know well, can be risky, even dangerous. (Swiss climbers have a saying: “We know the risks, so when things turn against us, we have no cause to complain.”)

    A lot of women are growing up without understanding reality:
    (1) as women, they have tremendous power in a sexual relationship with men
    (2) as people, they are personally responsible for their choices
    (3) if they choose sexual partners poorly, their results may be poor
    (4) if they choose sexual partners randomly, their results will be random

    The Sexual Revolution has reached the Reign-of-Terror phase.

  10. neo-neocon Says:

    Lee:

    Good article.

    But arguments from morality are ordinarily dismissed as uptight and antiquated slut-shaming.

  11. Dave Says:

    heard that Aziz Ansari is a progressive azzhole self proclaimed male feminist who is the type of person who suck up to those who are above him and stomp out those who are beneath him. Not that it matters in this incident since he is completely innocent but I am not going to lie seeing a progressive left reaping what he helped sow is somewhat satisfying.

    The day when Obama gets accuse of sexual assault is the day when metoo ends

  12. CV Says:

    I thought Caitlin Flanagan summed up this situation pretty well. Grace’s story reads like revenge porn on Ansari. She felt humiliated after (and probably during) the casual encounter and she set out to humiliate him in return. And she succeeded:

    https://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2018/01/the-humiliation-of-aziz-ansari/550541/

    Honestly, as with the Cat Person story, I’m left scratching my head. Even if you don’t believe (as I do) that reserving sex for marriage is a positive choice for many good reasons, it just seems like basic common sense that agreeing to engage in such personal, intimate behavior with someone you barely know is highly likely to be awkward, embarrassing and regrettable (at least for young women) afterward. This is not rocket science.

  13. TommyJay Says:

    It strikes me that Aziz punctured Grace’s celebrity fantasy balloon. The fact that it took a many minutes for that balloon to deflate might be part of the thing that suppressed her agency.

    She used the word “surreal” to describe Aziz’s behavior at one point, which to me sounds like cognitive dissonance, or is it a cognitive disconnect?

    Grace sounds like someone who failed to understand that celebrities are just people who statistically are more likely to engage in bad behavior, … because they can. Warren Buffett was once asked what it was like hanging out with billionaires, to which he replied, “Most are just really boring people with a lot of money.” (paraphrasing)

    Speaking of bad behavior, check out that babe.net site, here, and here. At least the two women creators put their names at the bottom.
    ______

    In another angle on Neo’s last paragraph above, here is a guy who was able to quickly find examples of 55 women high school teachers who were caught having sex with students, within a five month period. Our country is large, but that still seems like a large number.

  14. Ray Says:

    Years ago Dr. Ruth Westheimer was on a radio program and she commented on so called date rape. She said I don’t want to hear you were raped when yo went out drinking all night, went home with some guy, took off you clothes, went to bed with him and had sex.

  15. AesopFan Says:

    Lee Says:
    January 16th, 2018 at 4:31 pm
    I liked this Daily Wire article about it:
    * *
    Very good article, even though the target audience will not listen because it mentions personal agency and sin and God.
    Too bad for them.

  16. Lurch Says:

    This only goes to show that celebrities should only date their own kind (other celebrities). Venturing outside that cohort is dangerous. People like “Grace” are likely to have ulterior motives which can be self-serving and ugly.

    Also, isn’t it interesting that “Grace” gets to attack this poor guy anonymously? wow.

  17. DNW Says:

    When did the term “agency” begin to spring up like this?

    It seems to be another term taken from technical philosophy (as with ‘ontology”) and brandished by polemicists for social effect.

    “Denied your agency?”

    Two words as they say, and it ain’t ‘let’s dance.’

  18. neo-neocon Says:

    DNW:

    I don’t know when the term became popular, but I’m familiar with it from two arenas: psychology and law.

  19. neo-neocon Says:

    Lurch:

    Yes, the anonymity aspect—protection for the teller who exposes the celebrity—is troubling. It’s based, I believe, on two things. The first is the idea that she’s like a rape victim. The second is that Babe, the publication that published the piece, knew it was click-bait and they promised her anonymity because she insisted on it, and they wanted the story very, very badly.

  20. DNW Says:

    ” neo-neocon Says:
    January 17th, 2018 at 1:02 pm

    DNW:

    I don’t know when the term became popular, but I’m familiar with it from two arenas: psychology and law.”

    Huh. I assumed I had enough psychology in college, enough credits for a major had I had an advisor and a directed course of study, to have remembered that.

    But do not recall it particularly even in terms of will and intention … though I suppose if I thought long enough about it, something might stir.

    In philosophy especially philosophical anthropology and ethics, its use was more common.

    It seems to be used now as an congratulatory appelative intended to indicate that the possessor is not what that particular subject really appears to be: a floating, ungrounded, randomly willing sack of appetites adrift in an environment in which it contentedly functions as object-acted-upon, rather than willing and world-shaping subject.

    Which is of course, more or less what the postmodern bag of pleasure-seeking appetites has actually degenerated into.

    Even its “self” hardly constitutes a coherent being. It’s “agency” is merely an instrumental act in the service of a welling, it-knows-not-what, nor why.

  21. neo-neocon Says:

    DNW:

    More recently in psychology.

  22. Dennis Says:

    So. A sleaze and a twit get together for an evening of mutual satisfaction. Disappointment ensues. Maybe it’s time to evaluate your culture.

    Yeah, Yeah. I’m 73, and as Charlie Russell said : “An old man is a stranger in his own land” I can sure vouch for that

  23. neo-neocon Says:

    Dennis:

    I often feel like a stranger in my own land, these days.

    Then again, I’m no spring chicken either.

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Previously a lifelong Democrat, born in New York and living in New England, surrounded by liberals on all sides, I've found myself slowly but surely leaving the fold and becoming that dread thing: a neocon.
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